Benedict and Parable, two men in matching hoodies, are standing in front of a projection of a big door with knapsacks on their laps. Benedict is strumming his guitar. He starts playing Pachabel’s Canon before breaking off into Eminem’s ‘Without Me’. Parable raps along with Benedict giving back-up
Benedict: Guess who’s back?
Back again?
Parable mimes cruxification
Benedict: He is back
Tell a friend
Parable: I’ve created a blockbuster, ‘cause nobody wants to see Moses no more
They want Jesus, he’s chopped liver
Well if you want Jesus, this is what I’ll give ya’
A little bit of wine mixed in with some hard wafer
Some requests I mix in with my bedtime prayer
And hope to Jesus that God will care
About my home loans, and tax information
Wearing jewellery of the poor guy’s cruxification
Now you waited this long but you never read the full story
All so not to end up in purgatory
And sure we could just sit here and hope
But just for good measure, call up the damn Pope
So Dan Brown won’t let me be
Or let me be me, or Christianity
I didn’t even like Mel Gibson on the Silver Screen
It was just so devoid without He
So Catholics, give sin to liberalism
And Protestants, come on and preach creationism
It’s not really about a circumcision
Get your best priests out, dressed and ready
And stop all the townsfolk yelling ‘it’s a Paddie!’
Together: Now this looks like a job for Christ
And everybody, he’s got it right
He has no proof but the dude can fly
And you’ll go to Heaven when you die
Now this looks like a job for Christ
And everybody, he’s got it right
He has no proof but the dude can fly
And you’ll go to Heaven when you die
Parable: It’s a prayer, I go tit for tat with
Any Protestant or Catholic
Unless you’re Mormon, in which case don’t be too sick
When you find out that your bicycle’s been nicked
And Book of Genesis? You can be stomped by menaces
In popularity, about the same as a Dentists
It’s a testament too old, excursion
It’s over; it’s even in the Hebrew version
Now let’s go, just hand over your Jews,
Your Athiests, Agnostics, you choose
Because if you don’t, they’ll be sent to the Blues
In addition, they’ll miss out on the child abuse
But sometimes, I do insist,
Everybody just wants to talk about the Exorcist
Well if you really must persist
With demons, well here’s Miley Cyrus
No we’re not the first kings of really bad Gospel
It’s so bad we might end up in Hell
But maybe if we put it on CD as well
We’ll all see our bank accounts excel
Hey! There’s a concept that works
Except for Mormons, but we all know they’re jerks
But no matter how many priests musically
Are gifted, it’s all about He
Together: Now this looks like a job for Christ
And everybody, he’s got it right
He has no proof but the dude can fly
And you’ll go to Heaven when you die
Now this looks like a job for Christ
And everybody, he’s got it right
He has no proof but the dude can fly
And you’ll go to Heaven when you die
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Lyrics
Sorry about the ?, they were when I used Bebo (I know, I'm ashamed) and when I transferred them they take the place of apostrophes and commas.
Finally, a rap for Asians.
I don’t smoke pot
But I smoke Pot Noodle
I don’t eat dogs
No wait, I eat poodle
I’m a straight A student
Twenty hours in library
I got a pocket protector
And I think white girls are scary
I don’t get my restricted
Because I’d just crash the car
But I go for twelve hour stretches
Playing DDR
Maths is my bitch and
Science is my hoe
Don’t need crack cos
I got Yu’Gi’Oh
I?m an unco guy
Ain?t never get no beaver
Except in the times
Of Yellow Fever
I got a million cousins
And I?m a pretty smart fellow
You can?t tell us apart
It?s because we?re all yellow
And now young grasshopper
Time of Hammer stop
If I?m here
No one?s running fish and chip shop
If you mess with me
Then at the end of the day
If you aren?t looking
I spit in your takeaway
I?ll mess you
If you mess with me
And if you get me back
I?ll screw your Chi
If we?re going to play Halo
Then I?m your commander
If you want, I know a guy
Who can get you a Panda
Now please stop
It?s Eastern Time
You can get way more with Number 8. Wire
And a bamboo vine
Ain?t going to find
Any other rapper finer
And I?ll tell you why
It?s because I?m from China
Kanto and
Town of Shaolin
Ho Chi Minh
No hair on my chin
and play the violin
and Got yellow skin
From the rage that?s within
And I?m the Errol Flynn
Of the Asian Junction
So if you ever mess with me
You mess with us
Twenty three Japs on a bus
And if you think you?ve had enough
Then times are getting pretty rough
Because it?s just a rough occasion
And we?re in this equation
Be afraid of Koreans
?cause it?s the time of Invasion
Frank Sinatra once said that
Love and Marriage went together
like a horse and carriage
Racism and Wars go together
like pimps and whores
Cos'
the Saturn Rap by MC Vicodin (my rap name, oh yeah), i did it in year nine to avoid having to do an actual presentation on astrology. It actually worked because no one expected an Asian to rap. Who knew?
The Saturn rap-
I thought of having my mouth flapping
About the sixth planet from the sun, they call it Saturn
Then I thought, to do it rap
Like today?s generation gap.
It?s cold with dust and rocks and what not
And at the second biggest planet that?s a lot
And by the way, if you don?t like this, don?t get whiny
Or I?ll get my ninjas on your heinie
Galileo said there were rings, they said he was a nutter
But in 1895 they had to change the rudder
Turned out the rings were real, that they actually existed
And if Galileo was around he?d be tight fisted
He didn?t hate the Church even if they deserved it
Because they called all his theory a load of bullsh?crap? fool
The rings are made of particles
And a guy called Christiaan Huygens was on the new articles
Christiaan proved there were rings round Saturn orbit
When he found this out it was ?Eureka! That?s it?
Saturn?s got a whole bunch of natural satellites
But they?re all spread out. They?re not very tight
As of 2005 Saturn?s moon?s reached 56
So go look up at night if that?s how you get your kicks
Saturn?s made up of a whole bunch of gases
That?s something they tell you at NASA
Inside Saturn have hot gases to make you sizzle
So watch out the next time you go to Saturn, shizzle my nizzle
From Saturn to the sun, that?s about fifteen hundred K
But if you make the journey you probably won?t see the light of day
It gets down to ?140C, I can tell
So I?ll ship you all there, have myself ROTFLOL
It?s got a radius of kilometres, 60.2
So if you want to walk around it, goodbye adieu
Compared to Earth it?s twelve times bigger
And if you haven?t noticed, I?m a total wigga
Saturn?s hard to see if your telescope is tarnished
Or if you?re blind or if you?re Amish
It has this thing, every thirty years
And it?s not like god changing gears
It?s a huge storm, it?s really wow
But if you?re caught in it, well that?s just ow
It?s called the Great White Spot, it?s very pale
Here on Earth, that?s fifty on the Richter Scale
Right, I gotta go, I better shoo
So as they say on Orkan, Na?No?Na?No
Hip?hop?cocricy
The crazy cat lady, she?s has a dog
It?s a Nazi who attends the annual Synagogue
It?s like talking about a blind ophthalmologist
Or discussing the life of a male gynaecologist
It?s the KKK going to the NAACP
Or looking at Pikachu looking down at a battery
It?s a hippie, judging a kitty with catnip
It?s a tourettes laughing at William Shatner?ed
My pants, sorry, someone pass me a wiper
But look at that baby, he?s gotta get outta the diaper
Sorry, I?m just one of your usual word jerks
Dude, I hate those damn social networks
It?s not my fault, don?t give me the look
I just got accounts on Twitter n? FaceBook
Sorry, it?s just the Jewish banker
Or when I call someone else a wanker
Yes that?s right it?s hip?hop?crisy
I can think what I want, it?s a democracy
Wait right there, go ahead, turn on your TV
That?s right; I got this shit through all that bureaucracy
OK, you caught me; I?m a Chink hating mathematic
Like a mulatto who claims to be monochromatic
Like America trying to be diplomatic
Look out, Canada?s got a semiautomatic
Sorry America, looks like you lose, so sorry, stink man
Looks like you?re going to have to move back with England
For such a sweet little island they say ?move out?
Like a damn, crack?smoking oath?swearing, cub scout
Sorry to disturb you, it?s the truth-/lie ratio
Kind of like a nun giving fellatio
It happens, don?t try deny it or apologize Osama
You?d be worse than the never?changing Obama
Who accepts these things happen; a dollar short of fifty cents
Or pole?vaulting Mexicans not going over the fence
This is my own rap; don?t try to sing along
Lest I class you as the Trekkie who hates the Klingon
Yes that?s right it?s hip?hop?crisy
I can think what I want, it?s a democracy
Wait right there, go ahead, turn on your TV
That?s right; I got this shit through all that bureaucracy
I?m a non?conformist; but we all look the same
I?m a comedian and yet I sound so lame
If we test a death trap; don?t wait up for MacGyver
Oh shit, look out, it?s a woman driver
I wear a leather jacket but I don?t sound like the Fonz
Yes, I?m homosexual but I don?t listen to Elton John
I?m an Irish, but I don?t like the taste of beer
I?m a Communist but I don?t like to share
Yeah, that?s right I?m a starving Hypoglycaemic
Also I?m a vampire who likes the anaemic
I want to be a maths teacher but I?m fun
I?m a raw steak but I?ve been grilled well done
I?m good at remembering? shit I?ve forgotten
And I?m black but I like to pick cotton
Yes that?s right it?s hip?hop?crisy
I can think what I want, it?s a democracy
Wait right there, go ahead, turn on your TV
That?s right; I got this shit through all that bureaucracy
Don?t blame the censors; it?s my fault
You let an Asian run wild and this is the result
You tried to make him rap about the flip?side of an issue
Like an asexual who just wants to go and kiss you
But I apologise if I offended anyone there on the shelf
I?m a rapper saying sorry, a contradiction in itself
But as you can see, I don?t think I?m the bomb
I?m a Vodafone warrior; supporting Telecom
Just think of me as your friendly old pagan
Or a Republican Ronald Reagan
I could be a Mormon who doesn?t go knocking door to door
Or a kid who doesn?t want to go into a candy store
Look the message here that I want to relay
Is that just because he watches DS9 that doesn?t make him gay
And that you shouldn?t judge a man on the colour of the skin
It doesn?t matter if they play the flute or the violin
You gotta accept people for who they are, no matter what you think
Or else I?ll come to your door and bash you, you stupid Chink
Yes that?s right it?s hip?hop?crisy
A song I wrote for a sketch, needs chords-
if you were some milk, I?d be a cookie
if you were a nerd, I?d dress up as a wookie
if you were a drunken gambler, I?d be your bookie
you?re stuck in a broken car, I?ll be your MacGyver
you are the sonic in my sonic screwdriver
if you were to say Hitler, I would say Heil
you?re an eight?year?old girl; I?m a paedophile
I?m a thirteen?year?old kid; you?re a DVD of Girls Gone Wild
every time I see you I need a cold shower
if I were Super Mario I?d like to take your flower
If you were Tim Allen, I?d be your neighbor
without you I?m like a Jedi without a light?saber
without you I?m 18th century America without slave labor
if you were a chav, then I?m Vodafone
I bet you?re a dog and I?ll give you a bone
if I was Ross I?d want you to be Rachel
in internet terminology? I want to give you a facial
anywhere else, you?re the prettiest girl in a brothel
I?m an Indian and I think you?re a cow
I?m John Conner; you?re Summer Glau
I know in my heart I will love you forever
I?m Rose Tyler; you?re a man dressed in leather
if I were a gay then you?d be Andrew Lloyd Webber
if you were Wallace, I would be Gromit
if you wanted anorexia, I would want you to vomit
our love is like a falling comet?
Finally, a rap for Asians.
I don’t smoke pot
But I smoke Pot Noodle
I don’t eat dogs
No wait, I eat poodle
I’m a straight A student
Twenty hours in library
I got a pocket protector
And I think white girls are scary
I don’t get my restricted
Because I’d just crash the car
But I go for twelve hour stretches
Playing DDR
Maths is my bitch and
Science is my hoe
Don’t need crack cos
I got Yu’Gi’Oh
I?m an unco guy
Ain?t never get no beaver
Except in the times
Of Yellow Fever
I got a million cousins
And I?m a pretty smart fellow
You can?t tell us apart
It?s because we?re all yellow
And now young grasshopper
Time of Hammer stop
If I?m here
No one?s running fish and chip shop
If you mess with me
Then at the end of the day
If you aren?t looking
I spit in your takeaway
I?ll mess you
If you mess with me
And if you get me back
I?ll screw your Chi
If we?re going to play Halo
Then I?m your commander
If you want, I know a guy
Who can get you a Panda
Now please stop
It?s Eastern Time
You can get way more with Number 8. Wire
And a bamboo vine
Ain?t going to find
Any other rapper finer
And I?ll tell you why
It?s because I?m from China
Kanto and
Town of Shaolin
Ho Chi Minh
No hair on my chin
and play the violin
and Got yellow skin
From the rage that?s within
And I?m the Errol Flynn
Of the Asian Junction
So if you ever mess with me
You mess with us
Twenty three Japs on a bus
And if you think you?ve had enough
Then times are getting pretty rough
Because it?s just a rough occasion
And we?re in this equation
Be afraid of Koreans
?cause it?s the time of Invasion
Frank Sinatra once said that
Love and Marriage went together
like a horse and carriage
Racism and Wars go together
like pimps and whores
Cos'
the Saturn Rap by MC Vicodin (my rap name, oh yeah), i did it in year nine to avoid having to do an actual presentation on astrology. It actually worked because no one expected an Asian to rap. Who knew?
The Saturn rap-
I thought of having my mouth flapping
About the sixth planet from the sun, they call it Saturn
Then I thought, to do it rap
Like today?s generation gap.
It?s cold with dust and rocks and what not
And at the second biggest planet that?s a lot
And by the way, if you don?t like this, don?t get whiny
Or I?ll get my ninjas on your heinie
Galileo said there were rings, they said he was a nutter
But in 1895 they had to change the rudder
Turned out the rings were real, that they actually existed
And if Galileo was around he?d be tight fisted
He didn?t hate the Church even if they deserved it
Because they called all his theory a load of bullsh?crap? fool
The rings are made of particles
And a guy called Christiaan Huygens was on the new articles
Christiaan proved there were rings round Saturn orbit
When he found this out it was ?Eureka! That?s it?
Saturn?s got a whole bunch of natural satellites
But they?re all spread out. They?re not very tight
As of 2005 Saturn?s moon?s reached 56
So go look up at night if that?s how you get your kicks
Saturn?s made up of a whole bunch of gases
That?s something they tell you at NASA
Inside Saturn have hot gases to make you sizzle
So watch out the next time you go to Saturn, shizzle my nizzle
From Saturn to the sun, that?s about fifteen hundred K
But if you make the journey you probably won?t see the light of day
It gets down to ?140C, I can tell
So I?ll ship you all there, have myself ROTFLOL
It?s got a radius of kilometres, 60.2
So if you want to walk around it, goodbye adieu
Compared to Earth it?s twelve times bigger
And if you haven?t noticed, I?m a total wigga
Saturn?s hard to see if your telescope is tarnished
Or if you?re blind or if you?re Amish
It has this thing, every thirty years
And it?s not like god changing gears
It?s a huge storm, it?s really wow
But if you?re caught in it, well that?s just ow
It?s called the Great White Spot, it?s very pale
Here on Earth, that?s fifty on the Richter Scale
Right, I gotta go, I better shoo
So as they say on Orkan, Na?No?Na?No
Hip?hop?cocricy
The crazy cat lady, she?s has a dog
It?s a Nazi who attends the annual Synagogue
It?s like talking about a blind ophthalmologist
Or discussing the life of a male gynaecologist
It?s the KKK going to the NAACP
Or looking at Pikachu looking down at a battery
It?s a hippie, judging a kitty with catnip
It?s a tourettes laughing at William Shatner?ed
My pants, sorry, someone pass me a wiper
But look at that baby, he?s gotta get outta the diaper
Sorry, I?m just one of your usual word jerks
Dude, I hate those damn social networks
It?s not my fault, don?t give me the look
I just got accounts on Twitter n? FaceBook
Sorry, it?s just the Jewish banker
Or when I call someone else a wanker
Yes that?s right it?s hip?hop?crisy
I can think what I want, it?s a democracy
Wait right there, go ahead, turn on your TV
That?s right; I got this shit through all that bureaucracy
OK, you caught me; I?m a Chink hating mathematic
Like a mulatto who claims to be monochromatic
Like America trying to be diplomatic
Look out, Canada?s got a semiautomatic
Sorry America, looks like you lose, so sorry, stink man
Looks like you?re going to have to move back with England
For such a sweet little island they say ?move out?
Like a damn, crack?smoking oath?swearing, cub scout
Sorry to disturb you, it?s the truth-/lie ratio
Kind of like a nun giving fellatio
It happens, don?t try deny it or apologize Osama
You?d be worse than the never?changing Obama
Who accepts these things happen; a dollar short of fifty cents
Or pole?vaulting Mexicans not going over the fence
This is my own rap; don?t try to sing along
Lest I class you as the Trekkie who hates the Klingon
Yes that?s right it?s hip?hop?crisy
I can think what I want, it?s a democracy
Wait right there, go ahead, turn on your TV
That?s right; I got this shit through all that bureaucracy
I?m a non?conformist; but we all look the same
I?m a comedian and yet I sound so lame
If we test a death trap; don?t wait up for MacGyver
Oh shit, look out, it?s a woman driver
I wear a leather jacket but I don?t sound like the Fonz
Yes, I?m homosexual but I don?t listen to Elton John
I?m an Irish, but I don?t like the taste of beer
I?m a Communist but I don?t like to share
Yeah, that?s right I?m a starving Hypoglycaemic
Also I?m a vampire who likes the anaemic
I want to be a maths teacher but I?m fun
I?m a raw steak but I?ve been grilled well done
I?m good at remembering? shit I?ve forgotten
And I?m black but I like to pick cotton
Yes that?s right it?s hip?hop?crisy
I can think what I want, it?s a democracy
Wait right there, go ahead, turn on your TV
That?s right; I got this shit through all that bureaucracy
Don?t blame the censors; it?s my fault
You let an Asian run wild and this is the result
You tried to make him rap about the flip?side of an issue
Like an asexual who just wants to go and kiss you
But I apologise if I offended anyone there on the shelf
I?m a rapper saying sorry, a contradiction in itself
But as you can see, I don?t think I?m the bomb
I?m a Vodafone warrior; supporting Telecom
Just think of me as your friendly old pagan
Or a Republican Ronald Reagan
I could be a Mormon who doesn?t go knocking door to door
Or a kid who doesn?t want to go into a candy store
Look the message here that I want to relay
Is that just because he watches DS9 that doesn?t make him gay
And that you shouldn?t judge a man on the colour of the skin
It doesn?t matter if they play the flute or the violin
You gotta accept people for who they are, no matter what you think
Or else I?ll come to your door and bash you, you stupid Chink
Yes that?s right it?s hip?hop?crisy
A song I wrote for a sketch, needs chords-
if you were some milk, I?d be a cookie
if you were a nerd, I?d dress up as a wookie
if you were a drunken gambler, I?d be your bookie
you?re stuck in a broken car, I?ll be your MacGyver
you are the sonic in my sonic screwdriver
if you were to say Hitler, I would say Heil
you?re an eight?year?old girl; I?m a paedophile
I?m a thirteen?year?old kid; you?re a DVD of Girls Gone Wild
every time I see you I need a cold shower
if I were Super Mario I?d like to take your flower
If you were Tim Allen, I?d be your neighbor
without you I?m like a Jedi without a light?saber
without you I?m 18th century America without slave labor
if you were a chav, then I?m Vodafone
I bet you?re a dog and I?ll give you a bone
if I was Ross I?d want you to be Rachel
in internet terminology? I want to give you a facial
anywhere else, you?re the prettiest girl in a brothel
I?m an Indian and I think you?re a cow
I?m John Conner; you?re Summer Glau
I know in my heart I will love you forever
I?m Rose Tyler; you?re a man dressed in leather
if I were a gay then you?d be Andrew Lloyd Webber
if you were Wallace, I would be Gromit
if you wanted anorexia, I would want you to vomit
our love is like a falling comet?
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